Ayadgharbawi's Blog

Talking To A Suicidal Woman

ayadgharbawi — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 17:31:09 +0000

TALKING TO A SUICIDAL WOMAN

Ayad Gharbawi

August 11, 2008 – Damascus, Syria

Too good?

The truth is being

Remanufactured

By recluses

Who were smiling

In front of fake mirrors

Produced by self deceiving professional liars

‘What can I do with you?’ I asked you so many times

But you always gave me such

Twisted answers

With absurd logic

You thought

Was really ‘logic’

But it wasn’t, my dearest

It was just absurdities

And yet

We had all to live

Within these

Claustrophobic days

And pointless heated discussions

Pointless tears

And pointless rages and what did you achieve through it all?

I saw nothing but more of your tears and depressions

That seemed like snarling waves too me

Seriously trying to murder you

Coming and going

But always returning

And maybe succeeding soon with yourself?

Lady Of The Secluded Ponds

ayadgharbawi — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 17:17:16 +0000

Lady of the Secluded Ponds

Ayad Gharbawi

Eyeless flower

In minds of unrest

Sing this melody in warmth abundant.

Troubled Skies have chosen

To forsake you

While you crowds seek to intermingle

With lovers un-affected

Do you yet again fail to comprehend?

Moon-less sky

Come and perchance you may

Yearn in me, to visualise

A show of Truth

That dances

The Dance of Closure

And yes what cried – cried!

That is my understanding

Of History

Where outbreaks of madness

Virulently burst out

Far too often

In uncontrollable rages;

Gentle lady!

In the midst of it all;

Come to feel

That your

Flowers in your mouth

Will bring bitterness

And not deliverance

For that which is

Constitutionally brittle

Cannot last

Think, then

Think!

Soft Lady

Of Ponds Warmly

Enclosed.

Destroyed Tombstones

ayadgharbawi — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 17:15:13 +0000

DESTROYED TOMBSTONES

Ayad Gharbawi

Rain

Some weeping

Some obliterating

Storms

Angers of epochs ‘cross centuries

Hollering hurt

Yet, unheeding you

Choose to live then

And when

Pressures are extreme

And

When Rocks cried

For you humans

That lie here

Scattered

You lie

With no epitaphs

Remaining

To dignify you

Perhaps you, the Living,

Watching these scenes here

Can think

From what those

The Dead

Chose to live out

Their lives?

Humans!

Yes, you!

Though beaten severely

Such a beating

Scattering your sinful blood

Fisting out

Your eyeballs

You humans!

Once alive with ardour!

Now departed

Way beyond what our

Remembrance can care for

And you, now

The Living

What thoughts may be composed

Within your breasts

As you think

Of those long, gone and Dead?

Humans scattered!

Butchered

Recall

Your loved ones

Once lurid, glitzy

And now, themselves

Also

Lie lifeless

And now behold

These Souls Scattered

With no tombstones

To recall

Their echoing lives;

So what now,

Ye Living Souls

Tell me, then

What whispers

You think of?

Speech Of A Woman

ayadgharbawi — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 17:10:12 +0000

Speech Of A Woman

Ayad Gharbawi

I have no real, genuine memories

I can claim to have shared

With any of you;

Yes, don’t be surprised -

What a vile world

I lived through

With you all

Who remember me!

Those sham expressive faces

Your zealous vacant smiles,

Delightfully inert conversations

Phony, convincing under nourishing passions

I played again and again, repeatedly

For everyone’s pleasures

My senses chose to create

Forged humans within my minds

Who then played with you all

So unproblematic was it for me

You now see it was for my good self

To manipulate and stage-manage

You men and women I interacted with

And, yes, you are correct

Linguistics, cultures and backgrounds

Were no barriers for my minds

The plastic and the bone-like

Wooden ones;

And if I needed

To break, and smash

Your entirety

You Soulless Beings

Descendants of Adam and Eve

If I need to,

Yes, if necessary

I chose to

Change,

I chose to annihilate

Your criminal emotions

Your sinful motives to exist

Word by word

Bone by bone

Crumb by crumb of your

Entire physicality

Until I felt

My needs

Were satiated.

Am I

A fake?

Am I

‘Inhuman’?

Twaddle!

Listen to me you all

Faceless individuals of no

Convincing individuality:

My real faces, my minds, I do not share

My own discrete, unknown craving vices

My own veiled unsatisfied hunger and

Its longing requirements

Remain hidden

From you humans -

And good that they all be and remain so!

So how can I still

Be so much entertainment for you all?

Yes, I am a lady of eyes

That love

To stare

Your inquiries away

And yes, I adore

Staring

Your spirits till

They decay

Away

You feel I am Arrogant?

And never more humble a whisper

Have I ever met

Like myself.

Why?

Because Life is a servants’ game of chances

Wherein we flit in and out

That’s what I do so casually well

You want to know how I operated?

I fixate all my obsessions vividly and clearly

Against any opponent I feel

Needs to be extinguished

Those words inside me remain

Trapped

Because I choose for them to be trapped

And I’ll wait for you too

To make sure, I will see you

And sure you

Will crumble back to where you all began: dust

O my dear

I am alive!

And you?

Are

You Alive?

You think so?

You believe so?

Listen severely here to me;

Your sanity is vague, I remind you

And your ways and wages so mean

Your life is so distant

From your reality

While your worries so near to you remain tied

And all that you may give to Humanity

And all that you may share with Decency

None will care!

All shall

Remain alone, untouched,

Occasionally broken down in tears

Forever in that moronic

Game

You classify

As ‘Living’

And I call ‘Dying’.

Words Of A Prostitute Imporisoned For being Insane

ayadgharbawi — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 19:22:27 +0000

WORDS OF A PROSTITUTE IMPRISONED FOR BEING INSANE

Ayad Gharbawi

Oil On Canvas - Ayad Gharbawi

October 3 2009 – Damascus, Syria

What do I think

Who I am ?

I do not know

Who I am?

I am nothing.

That, I know

My ‘dignity’, my ‘morality’

Are scattered

As my meanings are

In fact my entire being

My entire mind

Is scattered

To have any meaningful meaning!

Do you like that?

I mean my words?

Do you like my words?

I lay down in my cell

And sometimes I entertain myself

Are you entertained?

Am I doing any good job for you?

I am and have been

Hated and loved

By idiots, all over and everywhere

And, anyway

They all receded from the muddied shores

Of my sorrowful memories

I am a ‘human’

I think

Who exists

Believing in nothing for anything to be eternal

While everyone surrounding me

Are liars killers and simple-minded thinkers of murder

Exquisite

With a love of their needs that is surely equal to

Any

Fish

With its Cold brutality

Passionate blood bursting with heat

Evaporating

And then you’ll need more heated

Blood

No?

I live in a box

You called apartments

Are you ‘humans’ serious?!

Wages stingy

Prices posh

And how then are we supposed

To make our ends meet?

And how was I supposed to pay

My wages?

Christ!

Sin or no Sin

My landlord

Wants his slimy money

Man you bastard!

You have has only committed crime after crime!

I tell you screaming

You’re the only animal

Who needs to blush

From your vomity lies

That you have been force feeding us

And that have been

That have been searingly etched all over

My skull, my dry brain that has been pounded by your lying fists

You who ‘promise’ me ‘love’ and ‘happiness’

And then you all deceive me

Leaving me alone

Unknowing humans

Are you really so ‘unknowing’?

I’m not sure, myself

Now when I look at you all

In the streets, in your homes

I feel, yes, that

You can’t think

You can’t feel

That is certain, for my security of truth

Your intelligence

Is ape-like

Beauty

Can you ever succeeded

No no no no

Beauty is well beyond you

Yes, you are beautiful for this moment

But didn’t you kind of notice

Your soul is cracked, my Dear?

Contradictions In Life!

ayadgharbawi — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:43:29 +0000

CONTRADICTIONS IN LIFE!

Ayad Gharbawi

A love

Ends

And a truth

Suspended

No longer

Finally

Begins to

Laugh

At herself.

Unbelieving eyes

Come to feel

Here

This now moment

That has so

Despised

Your only lifetime’s

Achievements

Of worthlessness.

Christian Disciple

ayadgharbawi — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:37:33 +0000

CHRISTIAN DISCIPLE

Ayad Gharbawi

Silent Martyr!

How can I hear you, then

If all the Tears

You speak of

Burn

My Face

Etching

Their Hatreds

All over

My brain?

Chains Mental

ayadgharbawi — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:35:09 +0000

CHAINS MENTAL

Ayad Gharbawi

See angels

In your mind

In their paths undefined still

See the mirror

Staring at you

Yes, you

All along

I knew that was my message

I tried to give within you

In the eyes of hatreds

That saw somewhat too much

I tried to explain

In my life limited

By chains mental

Ah but you ought to have known my

Friendless friend!

Somehow I deemed all others

Somehow more understanding

I guess I misunderstood it all

All in all

Self Oppression Against Yourself

ayadgharbawi — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:31:29 +0000

Self Oppression Against Yourself

Ayad Gharbawi

Those that greedily scorn you, they that persist in

Surrounding you and touching you;

Those that innately despise your Being, exist all around you

Screaming themselves to be your

‘Friends’, ‘Lovers’ and ‘Family’

But, think, I speak to you -

For, you are alien in thought and appearance to them

You are their reminders of what they themselves cannot ever Be

You create these Reflections of Fright that breathes

In their intertwined ribs of Perversities;

Listen! For you are what?

You are the Symbol Painful of their Evil

For these Sickening Sinner, who

Whenever contemplating the Lucid Portrait

That you have painted

And that you have so effortlessly

Exposed to their sickened sadistic Brains

And, yes, they become terrified;

Terrified of what, you ask me?

They become severely frightened

Of themselves

And that is why they turn their cheeks

From their own Sadistic Selves

From the portrait of themselves

And they twist now on to another path

Far removed from their own realities

And they thereby

Continue

Their murderous work

Understand, then, the Dangerous Emptiness which is around you

Understand, then, the Culture of Stupidity that they have surfaced from

For theirs is the land of silliness too real to behold

Theirs is the Land of Self-Fear

This is the land of Stupidity

The Civilisation of Plasticity

The Culture of Brainless Beautiful Bodies

Nations totalitarian render masses fearful of authorities on all levels

Yes, how true, but wait!

Nations democratic render masses fearful of what is within each Soul

Their stolen identities, lost and gone

The Screams of Munch reverberate and pound and murmur and sigh daily

In their varied manifestations and voices

In their varied moods and appearances within your insides.

Fear of one’s Self

The fear to discover human bonds, and not the norm

The fear to realize your need for Humanity, Warmth and Substance that

Cannot be attained

For, it does rarely reside in the homeland of the humans – the brain.

Yet, if loneliness and an island you become, you shall suffer accordingly

Social animals we are

Defective society turns your Personality, your Essence and your Being that is real

It turns and transforms you into the forests of Living Graves;

The same decomposing graves that are situated so deeply

Underground; and that lurk frightfully and mockingly

Within the sinister murkiness of your Disconnected Minds -

And then, you suffer necessarily, as you must, given your Unreasonable Realities

For, you are Alone and within Stillness, you exist

Existing in an open cage they call ‘Life’

And I call Self Oppression

And your varied passions and necessary needs do not hear their echoes

Nor do you see the murmurs of meaningful eyes from anyone anymore.

A dilemma such as this, needs to be understood and replaced

With healing ideas, Sacred and Eternal in their Supreme Serenity;

I tell you, o souls, Spiritual and Meek;

Treat the waxy masks around you,

Who casually call themselves your ‘Friends’, your ‘Lovers’, your ‘Family’

Treat them with your steel masks

Enjoy what you can enjoy

Try to nourish your bodily needs

There is no shame in that!

Even though they may be the driest fruits of your existence

For the recluse’s life can lead to further pains and mental torture

Read, write, sing; these Essences and Activities shall help

With the slowed passages of time

Co-exist, inasmuch as you can

Inasmuch as your masks allow you to co-exist

For you know, there shall be a tomorrow for you

The years of weariness and withering wilderness, shall cease

Hope in a superior tomorrow is a jewel and an essence of Humanity

The Fabric of your Life is that Hope

Without it, you suffer being but bitter and dying in your living

In between miserable conflicting strands of emotions and behaviour.

Sad Of The Earth

ayadgharbawi — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 18:39:29 +0000

SAD OF THE EARTH

Ayad Gharbawi

September 4, 1989 – Boston

As thinking creatures we must evolve mentally towards achieving a humanity within ourselves for whereas physical growth proceeds unguided mental growth requires a continual and firm guidance on the part of ourselves with the help of society and culture.

So people believe, as adults, that they are ‘human beings’. Biologically so, but mentally they are not for the truth is most of Mankind do not struggle mentally in increasing their awareness of life’s constituents. The average person is no Ghandi or Martin Luther King or Guevara. To be ‘human’ means mental struggle, it does not appear casually – for ironically most people’s lives are routine in terms of work, and lifestyle, yet mentally most people exist casually, rarely thinking in and of itself, rather, more often reacting to events that surround them.

Why do most people exist so casually with their minds? The vast majority of people are sad and sadness is a stigma, just as in truth, loneliness is also a stigma. Rarely will a person who is asked, ‘How do you feel?’ reply ‘I feel lonely’. Furthermore, sadness amongst us all seems a relentless enemy clinging to our routine daily lives. The sad of the earth see futility’s face when it comes to mental evolution for themselves. The sad of the earth exist with a thousand and one griefs: self-hatred, self-shame and fear and so on. So, abused, reviled and chronically ignored by culture, the sad of the earth exist on through their lives daily coping with their mental burden via drunkenness, violence and self deception.

We speak of the sad of the earth and that segment of people who endure and suffer the most from grief – women, for they do not evolve mentally while their identity is raped and their womanhood is rendered extinct and repressed and so they are not true ‘women’, but the acting out of the patriarchal ideas. The average woman today is not mentally a woman from the aspect of the profound and unique sense of womanhood. The greatest absurdity is the self-deception by women who seriously believe themselves to be mentally women. Thus they do not struggle to be a woman, and to embrace her exotic womanhood that has nothing to do with patriarchalist’s dreams perverse.

Sad of the earth everywhere and within us and within you. Recollections of life dramatically vague, while conversations appear empty, repetitative and predictable.

Despair is not merely a resident of the so-called ‘intellectuals’, rather it lies with the vast majority of troubled humanity.

What a liar and hypocrite politics turns out to be, for if the latter’s aim and goals and tasks are to alleviate humankind’s woes and stress then little of that goal and task has been reached by politicians, political authorities and so-called ‘scholars’. Politics has been boring to the masses precisely because the authorities and the so-called ‘scholars’ have rendered its essence chained and unheard and thus the authorities with the political power, along with the ruling elites, have stripped politics of its basic and fundamental raison d’etre.

Politics that is stripped of its essential task has become a boring entity – it is an irrelevance to the majority, for in politics people do not see the essential humanitarianism within it.

Humanitarianism has been murdered, sacrificed for greed and a world that easily sells manufactured and utterly destructive symbols and concepts like sex, violence and drugs for Man’s mental consumption.

It is indeed the lobotomization of human beings, and those in despair will readily fall ill from the bland Disneyland ‘culture’ and ‘philosophy’ our poor planet is gradually drowning in.

The withering of humanitarianism is masked by the powerful euphemism of high technology – for they tell us we are entering the ‘Age of High Technology’ which is actually a threat but which is always spoken in the most kind tones – even though their intentions are grievous, for high-tech is a grand tool to make Man a mere idiotic, passive so-called ‘human’.

The ‘Age of High-Tech’, the ‘Globalization of our World’ – all these phrases and facts are deliberate and simple attempts to retaliate against what is really, in truth, the Age of the Death of Man.

Ayad Gharbawi